I Grow Old

I am turning 60 today. For the last week a line from a poem has been going through my head:

“I grow old ... I grow old ...

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.”

Not sure exactly what that means, but I like it. I take it as permission to stop worrying about conventions and how others might think I should think or dress or act. 

But today I’m thinking more serious thoughts too. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be 60. I didn’t like turning 50 and I dealt with that by not thinking about it much.  Today I really don’t like turning 60 and I’m making myself think about it.  It’s not really fear of death; I believe God will take care of me when I die. But it is a fear of becoming old and sick. It’s a fear of becoming useless and helpless.  Even more than that, it's regret about how much of my life has gone past and how many things there are that I would like to go back and change.  We don't get do-overs.

I often have music running through my head. Sometimes it’s random but sometimes it’s there to tell me something. Today it’s a song we sang in the church in Pittsburgh where David and I were married. I don’t remember all of it, but I remember these three lines:

     “For our life together we celebrate”

     “For the joy and for the pain we celebrate”

     “Celebrate the whole of it”

There is certainly a lot to celebrate about my life so far. I have not experienced the kind of pain and poverty that so many people in the world suffer from. I had good, supportive parents who made sure I got the good education which led to my career.  My husband and I will be celebrating our 35^th wedding anniversary in January. We have three interesting, creative children. And as of just yesterday we have an empty nest!   We belong to a wonderful church community and we have some wonderful friends.  I have done some worthwhile things – teaching, music, and at least some aspects of my parenting.

Still, like every single person in the world my life has included its share of pain. I am experiencing chronic physical pain at the moment and there has been pain in relationships and in my career.  Some of that pain has been of the "shit happens" variety, but  I am also very aware of ways in which I have caused or contributed to some of my own pain and given pain to others.   There is so much I would like to go back and fix. I can celebrate the joy but I don’t feel able to celebrate the pain and my first response is to rebel against this stupid “earworm”.

So I’m focusing on the third line of that song: “Celebrate the whole of it”. It is difficult to see my life so far as a whole instead of a tangle of details, let alone to celebrate it that way.  My decision for today is to take a leap of faith into that line and believe that my life so far, while imperfect, has overall been worth living and worth celebrating.   Instead of mentally replaying all of my failures I’m going to try remember that everyone (not just me) is imperfect and probably trying their best. I’m going to try to remember all of the good things in my life and the fact that God loves me no matter what.  

To celebrate this birthday (and perhaps to rebel against it just a little) I'm going out with my husband and one of my kids to see "Mary Poppins Returns".  Nobody is too old for Mary Poppins!  I loved her when I saw the first movie at the age of 5 and I loved her when I read the books and I can't wait to see this new chapter.  

When I was just about to finish this I got a wonderful text message from my wonderful sister:

                   "Happy Birthday!!! Can't believe one of us is 60!  Thank God it's you!"

I am very thankful for a sister who can make me laugh.  Nothing is as scary or horrible when you find a way to laugh at it.